right now

It's hard to come back to this space after so much sadness and just do the normal.  After last Friday, it's hard to be normal. Or totally whole.  At night I find myself tossing and turning, getting up to get a drink and peeking in on them one more time (or just crawling between them), letting the unfettered worries keep me up again.  By day I find myself holding them closer, kissing them again, recognizing their beauty.

 

Our children don't know what happened on Friday.  It's too huge, too unreal, to close to home to burden them with.  Instead I want to fill them with the love of making gifts for neighbors and friends.  For delighting in the dance of the sugarplum fairy, and the taste of sugar sprinkles.

I want them to know that this world is full of days for racing down snowy hillsides, making soup on the woodstove and reading Christmas books by the fire. 

One day they will ask and we will talk about it. In every way we can, we'll try to make sense of it. 

For now, in my own long and sleepless moments, I will hold open my heart for those whose loss is greater than I can even begin to imagine.  And in our everyday moments I will light a candle for the good in the world and let it shine brightly on these children who still go forth with so much trust and forgiveness.  

Wishing you peace.