honesty

I try to bring honesty and transparency to these posts.  I like to write what is true and real.  Seven years ago, when I started this blog, I told myself (and you) that I would use this space to write the beauty in our days, even when they were difficult.  To look hard, and find that moment of grace.  Because it's always there.  

But as it turns out now, some days/weeks our struggle is too big and too personal.  And I find myself avoiding this space because I have writer's block.  Well, really I don't, it's just that I'm not comfortable writing some of the messy stuff, and I also don't have the energy to pretend (even for a moment) that life is graceful right now. It feels insincere to show you pictures of our lovely day and pretend all is well.  Because some days are downright shitty even when the pictures look good.

It's not secret stuff, it's just not all mine.  There are lengths of time when one of our girls can't get her bearings, when her struggle is deep and scary and full of anguish.  But that's not my story to share.

There are burdens Andy carries that no one can fully understand but him (and sometimes me) and that's also not my story to share.

There are days when I can't pull myself out of fear and worry and grief and writing about that here does none of us any good.

So today, fairy forts did get made, and the pony was loved and the garlic got harvested and the garden got some weeding and they sat on the porch and carved together.  And yes there were lovely moments and unspeakably painful ones. That's how it is right now.  

I know we aren't alone.  I'll continue to work out ways to share this experience-- these moments right now that can be amazing love and complete suffering all wrapped up together.  My hope being that this space, and our path, brings light to yours, in your suffering, in your hardship, in your joy, in our shared humanity.