first snow

Winter has come to our farm.  It came kind of suddenly on Saturday and when I woke up on Sunday I was stunned by the white and my saddness.  I was outside long before the girls were up.  I dug out the barn so I could open the door and feed the horses, I shoveled a path to the root cellar, I swept off the car, and carried in wood.  I built a tiny snowman at the door for the girls to see when they woke up.

These are Andy jobs.  And I was surprised by the tears that streamed down my face as I did them.  I'm sad and missing him a lot, but this, this first snow hit me really hard.  The beauty, the stillness, the quiet.  I see him here so vividly.  Andy loved winter.  He loved it with all his heart.  Everything about it was beautiful to him.  The way the birds stand out against the snow, the crunch of snowshoes or swish of skis in the woods, the way the fire crackles with the wood he stacked, the screaming of the girls as they tore down the hills in the sled with him, the perfect sticky snow for rolling snowmen, the glide of his skates on smooth ice...

As I walk up the hill to his spot this morning the way the snow feels underfoot, the call of the chickadee, the shades of gray, the smell of snow....all the memories come rushing in.

I can see him, his cheeks glowing pink, frost sticking to his beard, eyes sparkling, full of health and joy. I take his hand, I kiss his chilly cheek. I will keep him this way always.