matt

Hey Little Brother,
Tommorrow is the one year anniversary of your death.  The both of you are gone and it's still impossible to believe.  I came here to write about you, about addiction, and about how it stole your life.  But then I started looking through pictures and watching videos and just seeing you so robust and full of life and laughter I remembered again how you were a whole person even in the midst of your darkest times.

You were a loving dad in every moment you spent with your children.  There should have been more, but what I saw was engaged and so full of love.  You were a funny uncle, man could you make those girls laugh. 

You were a loving son and brother.  We wanted more of you, always more.  But when you were with us your heart was full, your attention was on us, and your care was so, so evident.

You were a lighhearted and comical man.  You loved a good time (yes, too much) and with you there were always smiles and laughter.

And you were sentimental and heartfelt.  Your last voicemail to me is an apology and a little tease and a thinking of you.  I listened again today, your voice is a little heavy, a little down, but you are lifting it up for me, bringing your positive self to the table as always.  I remember I called you back and we had our usual scattered and interrupted conversation.  I had no idea it was our last.  I know I remembered to tell you I loved you.

I truly believe you left this world not knowing you were going.  But I do hope you know how much you were loved.  

I believe that Andy finds ways to talk to me.  They are subtle and mystical and not always very straight forward, but the night after you died he spoke loud and clear.  4 words to wake me from my restless sorrowful sleep.  "I've got him boo".  His voice was comforting yet urgent. He needed me to know. It has been the only time I've actually heard his voice again.  For what it's worth, in all its woo-woo-ness, I believe he's got you now and you are loved.