stories for now

Sometimes, times are challenging. They've been that way around here for a bit. I'm working really hard at having perspective. I know that "this too shall pass". But, I'll admit that there have been plenty of tough moments lately when it seems as if every character flaw I possess is clearly manifesting itself in her. It feels like this is who she is going to be. It feels like I've screwed it all up and it's coming back to bite me. There could be some truth to that.

But....I also know that this is NOT who she is. I read parenting books like the best of them, maybe better than the best of them. If nothing else it keeps my focus in the right place. So I know that 5 is only 5. That she's pushing boundaries and exerting will and figuring her place in it all. I know that my job is to model respect, let her make every choice I possibly can, empower her to think for herself, and remain calm. I can do all that, sometimes, and sometimes I lose my cool. (I know, we all do, the parenting books tell me that too).

This book, Healing Stories for Challenging Behaviour, was recommended to me by a good and wise friend. It's been in our house for quite some time, but honestly, when the behaviour isn't challenging its cover gets dusty. But I pulled it out again about three weeks ago and we've gotten in a groove with it. A groove that each one of us treasures and needs. Each Monday, for the last three Monday's, I've "prepared" one of the stories in this book. We tell it daily for a week. Sometimes I tell it, sometimes Andy tells it, in the end, they can tell it.

Check this out: There are stories in this book to address boredom or whining (called whingeing because this book is written by an Australian-love it), disrespectful or uncaring, greedy or unable to share, irritating or impatient, noisy or disruptive, uncooperative, wild and restless....and that's just a few. Did she just peg the 5-year old set or what?

At first, I was totally intimidated by "memorizing" a story and then telling it. But then I just dove in, read a story a few times and got the jist of it. These are simple, straight-forward stories, and knowing the backbone, and what kinds of embellishments my kids might like was enough. I also decided to incorporate just a few props. A small doll or animal to represent the main character, maybe a few other dolls for side characters...but most of it I leave to the kid's imagination. I don't have the dolls act out the parts, they are just held in my hand as I tell the story, they may move slowly around, but they are quiet and don't distract from the story.

The first week our story was about learning to take good care of your things. Last week the story was about generosity and sharing. This week the story is about cooperation, appreciation and asking permission. Whew! Big concepts in tiny, easy-to-relate-to packages that don't point fingers but build confidence and a child's ability to see what is right for themselves. (I don't think you need this particular book to find stories that teach and heal, you could find them in lots of places, or make them up. But it's a good starting point for me.)

Here's the great part. They LOVE it, they eat it up. They want it over and over. They "prepare" their own stories and tell elaborate long tales after our story time is over.

Here's the even greater part. In addition to telling these stories in calm moments of the day, I've been using these stories to change a mood that's going south quickly. When I've started feeling really frustrated...perhaps it seems like I'm not being heard or that no matter how kindly I speak, rudeness comes back, I take a deep breath and say "let's do our story". I really can't tell one of these stories with clenched teeth and a bad attitude. I can start out that way, but it's only a few seconds before I'm swept up by the rhythm and the shining eyes and rapt attention.

In those moments of quiet togetherness I can go back to my focus on her very best self. Knowing that on the other side of this "bump" will be new growth and new skills. That this smart, inquisitive, observant, loving girl is five and figuring it all out.