Or if I say to one of girl's new friend's parents "my husband played hockey", they are probably thinking---oh, he played when he was a kid (which he did, but they aren't thinking he's dead, which leaves this huge elephant standing in the middle of our conversation). If you are in a marriage pay attention to how many times you mention your husband or wife. It's agonizing.
So, I know there is a term for a deceased spouse. It's "late". My late husband...
I'm sorry, that's just weird and old fashioned and really doesn't make any sense. I feel about 103 when I say it. I've only tried it in the bathroom mirror, not in public. I looked up the origin and it says that "late husband" means a husband who died recently, or "is lately dead". So even if I liked this term it wouldn't work in oh, say....3 years, when my husband is no longer lately dead?
I've been trying out, again only in the bathroom, other terms. We often say that we lost someone when they die. I can say I lost my husband last summer and people get it, I think. Unless they think I look to young to be a widow and then they seem confused while they try to figure out if I really lost him on some long canoe ride down the Kickapoo, or something. But, "please remove my lost husband from the car title?" Doesn't work so great.
Dead works. "My dead husband played hockey". Clear and descriptive. But, not so smooth and generally awkward for the other person who isn't used to the word dead being thrown around casually.
A synonym search brings up some of these: deceased, expired, departed, passed on, passed away,
You get the picture.
The closest I've come is gone. That's what it really feels like. A big fat hole where he used to be. "My gone husband would love to see our kids thriving at this school." "Oh yes, my gone husband was an awesome cook too."
He is not my ex, he is not my former husband, he is not my first husband (well he is, but also my only). I need a word to reflect that I have a husband, he's just dead. Because of course our relationship continues. I am what I am because of him. The girls are what they are because of him.
As you may know the girls started a new and wonderful school recently. The school provides each family with this really great directory that includes all the parent, student and faculty contact information. So I had to submit our family information for the 2018/2019 directory. I didn't list Andy's name in our family because well, that would be culturally weird, now that he's dead. But it felt REALLY weird to me not to, like he doesn't get credit for being their dad anymore. Like he's not part of our family. Like he's just gone?
There ought to be some way to list these things:
Jonel Kiesau (still kickin) and Andy Gorrill (not still kickin).
Iris (grade 6)
Elsa (grade 3)
Morbid, weird? I don't know. True? I mean, just say it like it is, then people know. They had this really great dad. I'm a totally new single parent. Their dad has not up and run off with someone else. I'm not going through an ugly divorce. I'm a widow. They are fatherless for the first time.
And they need a word too. "My dad played hockey". "Cool, does he still?" "No, he's dead". Ugh. How about, "my gone dad played hockey". Ok, not so perfect.
So, I'm working on it. If there is a word or phrase that I've missed please feel free to pass it along. In the meantime I might be having a little fun playing around with it.
I mean, is it really necessary to update your emergency contact information EVERY time you go to the doctor? Do you really need to check the box that says: married, divorced or single? Is it really their business? And, um, where is the widowed box?
"Yes, my husband (he's pushing up daisies) needs to be removed as my emergency contact, I'm now a widow, please add that to your form." Thank you.
P.S. I've called our phone company no less than 4 times to get our caller ID changed from Andy's name to mine. I know it freaks you all out when I call. Seriously phone people, how hard can it be?
4 comments:
I agree that language often has important gaps... Some that we like to fill with made-up words but in this case, you want something that will culturally make sense without explanation. As you know, I'm French, but the word that makes the more sense for me is deceased husband, deceased dad. It is a little smoother than dead will still being clear.
Thinking of you often.
I'm back with an updated profile.
Isn't that just like you--to take a serious concern and reduce me to fits of laughter? Now that I've composed myself, my first thought was also that "deceased" was the best. But "gone" is important for the feelings it expresses. You certainly need to get "Andy Gorrill (deceased)" back onto the next edition of the school directory.
My suggestion is that you go with your feelings in any particular situation. Feelings will change,ever so slightly, and you should say just what you feel at the time.
It's more problematic for the girls given their ages. "He's dead" just will not do. How about "He died and we really miss him"? That gives the information but draws the person's attention to what is really important now.
Knowing him, I don't suppose Andy ever expressed a preference in this matter. But in honor of his way of life and when asked "How's Andy doing?" I reply, "Oh, he's compost now" or, more accurately, "He becoming compost now" as long as you don't get technical about what constitutes compost. I put it in other ways more typical of me but best omitted here.
Again and for your sake too, I hope you can say it as you feel in that time and situation. I'm so proud you are my daughter.
If you like, I can ask other widowed friends what they say. Our friend, Mark, lost his wife Laurie a few days after Xander was born. And one of Lila's friends in school lost her dad before the kids transferred to BT.
Deceased husband... well, it makes sense to me, but it doesn't really flow, does it? I think late husband works even in three years.
OMG, there's a blog post about ways to say 'died.' http://www.vastpublicindifference.com/2008/08/101-ways-to-say-died.html
Killed by the fall of a tree. Was instantly kill'd by a stock of boards. I don't think these work in this case.
IDK. I think deceased or late works best - for me. For the girls? Maybe... "My dad played hockey when he was alive." Something like that?
Sending you all so much love. See you soon.
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