sheltering at home: WWAD

I'm recognizing there are a lot of familiar feelings that come with this corona virus pandemic.  Fear and uncertianty are no strangers to me.  That itchy uncomfortable feeling of not knowing where this thing is going and feeling like you have little control...so familiar.  I wonder sometimes if a person can get practiced at holding those feelings.  If so, maybe there is a sense of calm deep within me that comes from years of harboring disquiet in my heart.  Because even though I feel worry and unease, I also feel confidence and strength.  I've been here before and the worst happened and we came out the other side.  We came out heartbroken and bruised, but still yearning to engage in this life that he loved.

Each morning this week I've been up early sitting by the fire reading (some) news, journaling and preparing for the day.  My thoughts are focused on how to make isolating ourselves at home feel safe and warm for the girls.  I want, one day, for them to look back at this time and remember how it felt to be sheltered.  It's just the three of us.  We aren't seeing friends, having playdates, visiting grandparents.  I'm not going to work, or having coffee with girlfriends or even seeing my new love.  The hugeness of just us three, weighs heavy sometimes.  And so I think, what would Andy do?

You see, we talked about a situation like this some.  There were uneasy times in our life together.  There was swine flu and h1n1 and the stock market crash, all when our girls were so little.  Andy's reaction to those times was to prepare as best we could and then be present with eachother.  Let the worry go and turn inward to the good.  And stay busy.

I can picture how he would be here with us in this situation. He'd inventory the seeds and draw up garden plans giving the girls parts of the garden to call their own. He'd cook nourishing food and get them reading recipes and stretching their kitchen skills.  He'd ask them if they wanted to build a simple piece of furniture and they'd sketch plans and work together in the shop. He'd involve them in almost everything he did.  He'd make work fun and fullfilling. They would draw together and he'd teach them about contours and shading and perspective on paper.  All of it would feel fun but would be subtly designed to teach and stretch them.  That's what he did best.  And he did it all with such patience and joy.

Without him here, much of what they did this week they did on their own.  But, they are so capable now!  And I believe they are guided from within by the deep laid memories of hours and hours of learning with their dad.  So, in the past days they have baked a chocolate cake and from-scratch mac-and-cheese following recipes without help from me, and without much bickering!  They have cleaned and organized things and kept their bodies engaged and healthy with exercise (work out videos anyone?).  They have spent hours outside snuggling barn cats and brushing horses.  They have done countless creative art things.  They have video chatted grandparents and read books and watched too much media.  They have done school work and made lists of things they want to learn.  Sometimes I'm involved and sometimes I'm tucked away trying to get (paid) work done.  And by the way it is NOT always sunshine and kittens and chocolate cake.  There have been scary and uncertain conversations, there have been lots of disappointments as their life outside of home gets canceled.  There have been midnight visits to my bed, and a few doors slammed and some tears.   But overall, I'd say our memories from this first week of sheltering at home are warm, and cozy and comforting.

And even though we may not have done just what Andy would do, we are following the path he laid for us.  We are full of delight in nature, in good work, in creative endeavors, in our time together.  We are full of hope and strength.  And we'll come out the other side.