Grand Marais Again

Four years ago this week Andy and I took the girls to Grand Marais and spent a week in the Boundary Waters.  He had been battling cancer for two years, we had just been denied access to a clinical trial, and all he could think about was getting us all to the BWCA.  He had a tradition of spending time there, almost every summer, since he was a kid, and he loved this place so dearly.  He and I had done a couple trips together before children (we decided to get married there!) and it was important to him that he take the girls. It was Father's Day weekend.  So off we went.

Despite the cancer taking hold in his body, he was his usual strong, confident and positive self.  We managed buggy-long portages with an 8 and 10 year old, fished together, and swam, made fires and climbed trees.  It rained and rained one day and he made it so fun.  I think in our hearts we may have known we would not get back here together, but at the time it seemed unfathomable.  Our life was vibrant and full of him and his love.

Ironically (and somehow not), exactly one year later, he would take his last breath with us by his side.  Two days after Father's Day, on the Summer Solstice with quiet rain falling outside our bedroom window. I imagined him dissipating into all there is, into us, into the land that we live on, and into all the places he loved so much, like the northland.

June 20, 2021.  It's the anniversary of Andy's death and Father's Day all wrapped up together.  How to mark this day?  A trip north to Grand Marais.  Just the three of us.  Iris bravely embarking on her first-ever sleep away camp- a girls Leadership trip into the Boundary Waters. 

Four years after her last trip to the BWCA, here she is (denying me photo ops like a regular teen) heading off solo on an adventure that would make her dad so proud.  My mama heart ached a little (would she be ok?) and I could hear him clearly say to me "Boo, this is so good for her, she'll be just fine". His confident, encouraging voice still strong in my head, and in her heart.  

Three years without him.  They have changed so much and they haven't.  They still love wilderness, they love watching nature unfold herself in front of their eyes.  They like adventure and pushing themselves and trying new things.  They have their dad planted so solidly within.  As Elsa and I walked away from the excited teens, headed for our own week of adventure in Grand Marias, she said "next year I'll be ready to do this camp too".  Maybe a new tradition has begun.