our big lake

August was always a special time for our family.  For years we headed North to Lake Superior.  From the time they were really little.  Every year..  Except for that year we went to Sylvania Wildnerness.  But always back there.  One year for a Peace Corps reunion.  And even after he got sick.  We kept going back.  And the last time with friends on the rice.

Last year I couldn't go without him.  It was too hard.  This special place.  The shores where we were married, the memories of cold, cold water, campfire cooking, stuffing ourselves on wild berries, waking to his camp coffee and the sound of loons.  

But he wanted us to go back.  Of course he did.  He loved these Northwoods almost as much as the Driftless.  And so we went.  We made it different this time, because I needed to.  Instead of camping along the Northshore, I rented a beautiful little cabin on Madeline Island.  The big lake surrounded us and the moss grew deep and cool.  The stones on the beach were Lake Superior black and it felt like "home", but still different.  We took a sweet friend of Elsa's with us and for much of the time it was just us 4 girls.  As usual I felt his missing, his big hole, but also my own strength and independence, my ability to make these adventures happen for the girls, even without him. So we swam in the freezing cold water, we filled our pockets with favorite stones, I watched the sunrise over the lake, we ate ice cream and wild blueberries and laughed and fought, just like always.  And we cried for missing him.  

And then, after a week, we drove a few hours south to the wild rice waters and once again met friends there for this tradition that was so meaningful to Andy.  And it was hard, really hard.  And it was also beautiful and new.  And while we honored him, we made new memories.  Because that's what you do.  You move forward.  Holding one love while growing more.